An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?