Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”