I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.