I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.