The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"