A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".