Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.