A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.