What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.