What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
You know what they say? Words.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.