If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.