How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.