A hard drinker walks into a local bar and sees three darts laying across the bar top. "Hey, bartender!" The drunk slurs. "Whas...whas.. with th- these darts?" "Oh", the bartender says. "It's a new promotion we're running. Whoever gets three bullseye's in a row wins a prize."
The drunk stands up, swaying fearfully. "Where's that dartboard?!?" He throws the first dart, nearly toppling over in the process but, sure as hell, he gets a bullseye! The drunk throws the second dart with one eye closed, and you guessed it, another bullseye! The bartender can't believe it! Unbelievably, the drunk throws third dart toward the dartboard, not even seeing it hit the bullseye as he'd already turned back to the bar and was yelling for his prize.
But the bartender had nothing! Statistically, nobody, much less this inebriate, should hit three in a row for 100 years! Not knowing what else to do, the bartender goes in the back, looking around, he spots a stuffed turtle sitting in an old dusty tank. Out of options, he grabs it, goes back and hands it to the drunk. Satisfied, the drunk leaves.
A few months go by and the same drunk walks in. "Hey, bartender! Y- you shtill got those darts?" The bartender obliges him, thinking- "What are the odds???" Boom. Boom. Boom. Once again, he makes all three shots.
"Hey! I won again! Now where's my prize?!?" the drunk exclaims.
The bartender can't believe his rotten luck, but a deal is a deal.
"Okay," he hazards, "it's been a while and I forget-what did I give you last time?"
The drunk downs a shot and says-
"Roast beef on a hard roll."
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad; He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road. “Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried, “Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side? If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly; Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high. If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth; I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.” He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole. “The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
An elephant was drinking out of the river one day when he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant proudly. "Turtle recall."