The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley

“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst

What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.

Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.

What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.

My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.

How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.

What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.

What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.

What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.

Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.