This

I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Preparing.”
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.