This

I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Preparing.”
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.