Mine Jokes

Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
The Young Colonoscopy Patient A young man decides it's better be safe than sorry and decides to take an early colonoscopy exam. As he lay on his side on the table, the doctor got ready to do the examination. As the doctor was going in, he looked at the young patient, smiled and said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection." The patient, embarrassed, stated earnestly, "But I haven't got an erection!" "I was talking about mine."
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Now you don't need a p*nis to vote… but you can still borrow mine.
Your treat or mine?
Your mausoleum or mine?
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
By mine honour, if I were but two hours younger, I’d beat thee. Methink’st thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee.
Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows!
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