Mine

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
The Young Colonoscopy Patient
The Young Colonoscopy Patient A young man decides it's better be safe than sorry and decides to take an early colonoscopy exam. As he lay on his side on the table, the doctor got ready to do the examination. As the doctor was going in, he looked at the young patient, smiled and said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection." The patient, embarrassed, stated earnestly, "But I haven't got an erection." "I was talking about mine."
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.