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Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened to me.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.