If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going? And then I check with the school to find out.