Every

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.