What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Do you believe in love at first flight?
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
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