Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
French, French Revolution
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
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