Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
"You're a real good egg."
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
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