What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Time to spruce things up.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
Please, please me
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
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