Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
"Bugs and hisses."
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
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