I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Can’t pinch this.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
I followed my heart to you.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
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