You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Get in the swim this summer.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
You have one compact set.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
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