“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
We were mermaid for each other.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
I have a heart-on for you.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
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