Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
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