Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
My love for you simply radiates.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
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