Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
"Yoda one for me."
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
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