I'm the life of the paddy.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
We make a great pear
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
You're hotter than a data center!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
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