Colonoscopy isn't usually a laughing matter... unless you're not the one getting it! Then you just have to see the humor in it! Enjoy 23 jokes about one of the least enjoyable medical checkups.
The 13 Funniest Things Said During a Colonoscopy
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Turkey, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy What else can I say? Something touched me deep inside.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away. I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy He's pretty ham-fisted
I have inner beauty. And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy. I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
I just got my colonoscopy results: The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill. Now I’m in arrears.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be? A colonoscopoo.
My father had a colonoscopy. Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Had a colonoscopy the other day, Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy. Turns out it was a clock.
What do you call an Irish proctologist? Colin O'Scopy.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said. "The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson. "No s**t, Sherlock."
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think. It's the crew that's the killer.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy? The taste.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing! Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic? He does 18 holes a day.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
The Man, the Camera and His Butt
These two guys are sat in their hospital beds having a little chat.
The first guy asks the second, "What are you in for?"
"Camera down the throat." the second guy replies.
"Oh, endoscopy?" the first guy asks.
The second guy says, "Yeah. Checking for stomach cancer. How about you?"
"Camera up the butt" the first guy says.
"Oh colonoscopy, checking for bowel cancer?" asks the second guy.
The first guy says, "No, my neighbor was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo."
A little old lady has an appointment with a proctologist.
The proctologist does the exam, and then discusses the results with her.
He ends by saying, "Do you have any questions for me, Mrs. Smith?"
The little old lady looks at him haughtily and says "Yes. Does your mother know what you do for a living?"