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11 Weird and Witty German Insults You Will Love

German may be a tough language to master, but it’s also incredibly charming. The language is infamous for its incredibly long and complex words, such as Kraftfahrzeu-ghaftpflich-tversicherung (automobile liability insurance), Eichhörnchen (squirrel), or Backpfeifengesicht (someone deserving of a face slap), but it also carries plenty of humor that non-native speakers might not be aware of. In fact, Germans are the masters of "savage burns," and their language has some of the wittiest, weirdest, and most hilarious insults you could ever imagine. 
Today, we will introduce you to some amusing German insults. Of course, we don’t endorse the use of insults in conversation, but there’s no harm in learning some funny jabs from another language.


German Insults, Erbsenzähler
A “pea counter” is someone who constantly obsesses over the smallest and most insignificant details. In English, we would call such an individual a nitpicker.


German Insults, Spargeltarzan skinny
This clever insult is meant to describe a skinny man, often one who doesn’t have visible muscles. The word translates to “asparagus Tarzan” and is often used humorously to mock someone thin and gangly.


German Insults, ant
In German, an overly pedantic person who always plays by the rules is called an Ameisentätowierer, or “an ant tattooist.” Germans find their habits as annoying as trying to tattoo an ant’s back. Weird, huh?


German Insults, woodpecker
A “guzzling woodpecker” is a boozer or a drunk. This term is often used affectionately among friends when someone has had a drink too many.


German Insults, gossip
A Tratschtante is a “gossip aunt” who loves to spread rumors and talk about events in other people’s lives. No one likes such a person, and one can assume this insult is likely used in annoyance. 


German Insults, organism
This simple but effective jab pokes fun at someone’s intelligence by comparing them to a single-cell organism. In other words, their intellect may be sub-par at best because they are just “one cellers,” after all.


German Insults, goat
What exactly is a "cinnamon goat," you might be wondering. In German, this phrase is meant to deride a person as a dimwit. It’s considered a savage burn and saved for particularly snide moments.


German Insults, boot
When someone is being especially grouchy, the Germans tend to describe them as Stinkstiefel, which translates to “smelly boot.” So if you come across someone like that in your life, you can maybe get back at them by quietly hurling this German jab.


German Insults, smuggler
This absurdly specific insult is meant to define an incompetent person who wastes their time doing senseless things not worth doing. Do you know someone who is a Hustensaftschmuggler?


German Insults, monkey
A Lackaffe, or a “varnish monkey” is someone who dresses a little too garishly and is considered overconfident. Just like in English, calling someone an Affe or monkey in German is usually meant to be taken as an insult and can imply you’re calling them a fool. Add Lack, which can mean “lacquer” or “varnish,” and you get to characterize a person whose overly flashy outfit annoys you.


German Insults, Evolution
An “evolutionary brake” is a vacuous individual whose existence impedes the advancement of the human species. Clearly, this is a vicious insult meant for those occasions where you can’t tolerate someone’s foolishness anymore.   
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