h hvhj Jokes

A little old lady with blue hair entered a se* shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?” The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.” The little lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “Dddd-do y-you ha-ave any ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?” “Well... yes ma’am, a few of them are about that big.” “D-do aa-ny of them ha-ave a v-v-v-vibra-a-ator?” “Yes ma’am, one of them does.” “W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead." The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?" The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform." "YES! I have to be absolutely certain." The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!" In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room. "Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!" In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room. "Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!" Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY BI**H YA HUSBANDS FU**IN' DEAD" and walked out of the room. "Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?" A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor. The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all." The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard. "I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out." The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk. The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000." "32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor." The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." "What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously. He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!" She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?" "I'm Just Kidding!" (The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Impressive?" The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, do you have to say now?" "What did you do?" Asked the confused fighter pilot. "I didn't see anything impressive." The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made plans for a date with a stewardess tonight. Impressive?"