elearning login page Jokes

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort, he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings herto her terrified parents, whothank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page!' 'So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?' The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I'm not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.' The journalist writes it up and leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH! That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!

Week 1 - Memo No. 1 We are glad to announce that the company will be adopting Fridays from now on as Casual Day. All employees are free to arrive at work with the casual attire they wish to wear. Week 2 - Memo No. 2 Attention to all employees: Giant hats and chicken costumes are no longer allowed on Casual Day. Neither are wrestling outfits or edible underclothes. Week 5 - Memo No. 3 To all employees: The phrase Casual Day refers to attire, not attitude. When on smoke break, please avoid bringing 'joints', bongs or glass pipes to the office. Remember that our conduct dictates our success. Week 7 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on the appropriate attire and attitude on casual day will be held at 4PM on Friday in the cafeteria. Attendance is mandatory. Week 8 - Memo No. 5 Following the tragic events of the seminar, the 8 members of the Casual Day Task Force will be seeing to your safety during Casual Day, and will be preparing new guidelines for proper conduct. Week 12 - Memo No. 6 Attention all employees! The 26 members of the Casual Day Task Force would like to apologize to Louis' family, he will be missed. Today you will receive the complete, 277-page manual for 'how to relax on Casual Day without receiving a penalty'. Please see the chapter on 'keep it clean, keep it covered.' for some great tips, as well as the chapter 'Say no to animal costumes' Please read it and memorize for upcoming exam. Week 16 - Memo No. 7 Good news: Our medical coverage has now been altered to include psychological counselling for trauma. Please fill prescriptions and follow directions in order to be in the right state for Casual Day. Week 18 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts, several law suits, and an ongoing police investigation, we are sorry to announce that we will be discontinuing Casual Day.

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity. The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end. In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited to carry out this command the operation. However, before they could seal Lucifer away, they first had to find him. Suddenly struck with an idea, the Pope went to gather the world's most renowned authors and artists. When they were assembled, the Pope set them to work on creating the most elaborate work of fiction in history. Every corner of this work was written and illustrated, every blade of grass meticulously described out in words and brush strokes. After years of continuous work, the project was finally compete. Bound together into a million page book, the tome described a universe in more detail than real life could ever manage. The book was placed on an alter, and with the preparations compete, the ritual began. To everyone's amazement, as soon as Holy Light stuck the book, Lucifer himself appeared. Like a shadow in the light, his presence radiated evil. But it was too late for him, the light closed in onto the book, and Lucifer was bound within it, never to escape. There was silence for a minute, then everyone erupted into cheers. Amidst the celebration, someone asked the Pope how he knew where to find Satan. The room grew quiet as the generals and Cardinals awaited his answer. "Well", he began, "It was really quite simple." "Everyone knows the devil's in the details."

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The gals were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in her separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: 'For 95 points: Which of your tires was flat?'

Ole and Lena are having intercourse in their bedroom. Ole says, "Lena, did you know that there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska? Lena says, "No, I didn't." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?" "No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their intimacy. "How did you get so smart?" Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?" "Yes, I remember," says Lena. "Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your butt."

A man and his wife are having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband says, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "WHAT?!? I can't believe that! Show me." So she fetches the Bible, opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt. The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sensual! Thought the old lady. Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I want is s*x. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady. "That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."