I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!