Biology - It grows on you.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”