Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.