Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.