I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.