Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?