“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.