How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.