When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.