What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
You know what they say? Words.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.