I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.