When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.