What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.