A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.