It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.