Would

Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What would you call a power failure? A current event.

My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
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