Figured Jokes

I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."
She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
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