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Figured Jokes

Onion Puns
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Funny Poems
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)
Mummy Puns
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Ice Puns
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Funny Money Quotes
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
One Liners and Short Jokes
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Father Puns
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
Clean Jokes
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Romantic Pick Up Lines
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
Funny Marriage Quotes
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
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