Closed Jokes

A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened to me.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What does the sign on the brothel say when it’s closed?
Beat it, we're clothed.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? Beat it, we're closed.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
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