Bottle Jokes

What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Are you a bottle of Cholula Hot Sauce?
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
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