What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Love at frost sight!
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
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