On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Go to BabaMail
