What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
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