I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
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