What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Want to become my new personal best?
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
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